TRAPPED
by J. Writ
Summary: ONESHOT AxI. Integra Hellsing's secret pain.


Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing.

KEY: _ITALICS=FLASHBACKS_

**TRAPPED**

"It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it." –Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I've always been a child of perfection. Whether I wanted to be or not I was born for the sole duty of running the Hellsing Empire as a ruthless and seemingly invincible leader.

I remember being punished for the littlest things like misspelling a word or missing a target or using slang that would make me sound incompetent. Back then I didn't understand how those _little things_ can cost a life when dealing with vampires and crazed humans.

When I was younger, before I had been worn by stress and structure, I would sit by my window and watch the children play out on the sidewalk. Their faces a blur to my vision since the sidewalk was significantly far from my window. I could make out a bright colored jump rope in the hands of a girl my age. Her dress would often come into contact with the rope which resulted in it being lifted in the back and her blushing when the kids saw her underwear. I couldn't help but laugh each time thinking, 'Wear pants stupid girl.' Though I knew she felt pretty in it and liked receiving compliments. It was then when I realized people do strange things to be noticed, even if it means risking the possibility of embarrassment and discomfort.

Life at the Hellsing Mansion had grown dull shockingly fast. At least, the work aspect of it anyway… Everything was chaotic as usual, vampires killing humans, humans crying to me about it, and I'm stuck in my office for fourteen hours. The organization had grown immensely; there was now a base of operations in every country. Anywhere there were vampires, there was Hellsing to kill them and erase the memories of any witnesses. My father would have proud, Hellsing has more power and influence than ever and I'm commander of it all! One would think a person like me would be boiling over in confidence and glee--and that person probably doesn't know about Alucard.

"Sir Integra, would you like coffee or tea this morning?" A young brunette maid beamed at me, I can tell she was in a particularly pleasant mood by her posture and extra makeup. I turned in my chair to face her with an easy smile. I can always count on the maids not to deliver serious news like 'Vampires are threatening to reveal themselves!' or 'Sir Integra, vampires are trying to burn London to the ground!' and I found comfort in that.

"Green tea." I said flatly, I never get the coffee, but I find it sincere that she still asks instead of just bringing a cup of tea every morning. She gives me a choice and choices mean freedom--something I taste very little of! The young woman smiled and nodded before leaving my office. I leaned back in my chair and savored the empty quiet knowing that once I finished the tea the day would start familiar chaos when rear its head and I'd be once again engulfed by endless tasks brought on by monsters. For now I basked in the peaceful silence.

"Hello love—"I heard a familiar deep mischievous voice. The peaceful silence instantly disappeared; it felt like holding a flower and watching the wind carry it away. Tension took its place. I did not want to open my eyes and see who was standing in front of me desk, nor did I want them to stay closed and appear vulnerable. Damn.

"Alucard what is it?!" I opened my eyes calmly to find that no one was in the room. The voice had come from the hall outside and there was absolutely no one else in the room but my paranoia and I.

Alucard is a vampire servant of the Hellsing Organization. He has been with my family for generations and gets more valuable to us over time. Even after working with him for thirteen years I know very little about him. Only that his personality traits are that of a prick, he has suffered greatly in the past, and no matter how much he annoys me I am in love with him and his freedom.

Vampires posses a freedom that humans will never taste. They are not bound by laws, emotions, or morals. They are hunters of the night and the only thing that matters is the hunt. That is why they're dangerous.

I concentrated on the voices outside my office while beginning work, scribbling my signature absent mindedly across several documents.

"Master!" I heard the soft voice of his fledgling and lover Victoria. She gasped and I heard a small thud against the door then the sound of kissing. Alucard chuckled at her vulnerability.

My throat got tight as I imagined him holding up against the door, hands on her thighs slowly sliding up her short skirt to wetness. Her arms around his neck, eyes closed, kissing and biting….ring on her finger…

Sometimes I hated the fact that Alucard was a vampire. Emotionless by nature. It's pointless to ask him to have a little consideration and empathy, even if I said it kills me to hear them. They're both monsters after all which is why I'm glad to kill vampires.

My pen suddenly cracked and ink spilled onto the dark desk wood. Thankfully I had put away the important documents after I had signed. Breathe Integra…

"Have you been taking your medication Master, I hate for your anxiety to get the best of you." Alucard said calmly. My eyes couldn't help to scan his physique; he stood in front of me tall, relaxed broad shoulders, muscles outlining his clothes with a small smirk on his face. He knew I was checking him out.

"I sensed you were in distress from outside—"he stopped knowing he had said too much. His mind obviously still foggy from his erotic encounter with Victoria.

My instinct told me now was the time to ambush. "What were you doing out in the hall?"

His expression grew serious, he saw through my harmless question and if he was human he would have said something like, 'You know will never be together so stop causing yourself pain.' but he is a vampire. He likes to toy. He likes to see pain unfold in slow motion. Master or not I was really nothing to him but a leash. He'd kill me if he could.

"I am a man of many secrets Master, do you actually believe I'll open up now. We both know what I was doing. It's pathetic to see you torture yourself like this." He chuckled. Asshole.

A person gets weary after dealing with Alucard for so many years.

"_Please look at me like you used to. Please love me like you used to__**."**_

_I sat atop my desk with my legs crossed. The leather on my black high heels rubbed together and made an obnoxious sound. I was wearing a little black dress that I had gotten for my fifteenth birthday, of course the dress had to be tailored somewhat around the bust and hem but it still looked as beautiful as it did then. I sighed and put my little mirror back into the desk drawer, remembering a time in my life when I thought dresses were inconvenient. Boy was I a fool. _

_My hair itched with all the bobby pins in it to make sure the curls didn't leave their positions and not a hair would pop out of place at the wrong time. I having difficulty looking beautiful, it took all the strength I had not to rub my itching eyes and risk smearing my mascara and eye shadow. I hadn't eaten breakfast in fear of rubbing my red lipstick on my teeth, but I knew it would be worth it when he sees me and everything gets becomes like it used to be. I leaned back lazily and glanced at the door, waiting for my guest of honor to arrive._

_A dark figure emerged from the wall in a grayish mist. When he was completely solid again he chuckled darkly to himself as if he just remembered some private joke. He walked casually to my desk like coming out of the wall was the most natural thing in the world, grinning like a madman he bowed deeply but did not make eye contact._

"_Alucard." I tried to make my voice sound sexy in an effort to mask the pain and awkwardness I was feeling. I knew he could my emotions and probably read my thoughts so I tried my hardest to play the part of a sexy woman._

"_Look at me Vampire." This time I was impatient--almost desperate--but kept my voice smooth and feminine. He slowly looked up at me; first looking at my leather heels, then smooth shins to my thighs, his eyes lingered my breasts which were spilling out of the strapless dress thanks to the push up bra I was wearing, up and down my neck, then to my face for a moment. He still did not look me in the eye._

_I could see laughter beginning to pull at him and he was straining himself not to hurt my feelings anymore than he already has. This wasn't what I'd planned at all. He was supposed to say : 'You look stunning Master seeing you so beautiful makes me love you more than ever!' and then he would carry me down to the basement and we'd have rough sex, ravaging my body and marking me as his…_

_I tried to turn away from him but found myself paralyzed by shame. I always said I was above behavior like this; trying to impress a man who doesn't want you is pathetic, trying to impress a monster who doesn't want you is even worse. I was a fool._

"_Master you need to face the truth or else you're going to get very sick." He spoke slowly and calmly so I knew he has choosing his words carefully. I felt even lower than pathetic, I felt like the scum clinging to the bottom of his boot, hell in many ways I am!_

_I kept my gaze glued to the floor although I already could tell what his expression was: eyes narrowed, furrowed brow, tight mouth, serious and wicked. I was afraid that the next our eyes met we would be strangers…I wouldn't be able to bear it._

_He disappeared in a shadow in the corner of the room and I allowed myself to take a breath. My body felt numb and I prayed God would strike me down on the spot so I wouldn't have to feel like this another day. My throat got tight and tears blurred my vision. Mascara be damned! I deserved a good cry._

_People do strange things to be noticed._

I fell in love with Alucard on my fifteenth birthday. I was given a new rifle and was practicing in the shooting range. I trained with Alucard on a regular basis; he taught me the true meaning of being ruthless. For hours a shot at cardboard cutout of vampires with him. Nothing but the sound gunshots and paper ripping. I felt just as powerful as him shooting at pretend with ease. Freedom filled my soul and lifted my spirits to a dangerous level. Confidence heightened my senses and I no longer needed two hands use the gun. I was unstoppable with my little back dress and rifle. Alucard laughed and then I missed one. I growled like a monster in frustration. I felt soft gloved hands wrap around my waist, I whispered his name as he hugged me. He said I had to accept failure. His scent was inviting and I felt equal to him as if I was the only one fit to be with him.

The past two years have been extremely difficult for me starting from the moment when I professed my feelings for him. It wasn't a shock to him since he could read minds but it was already too late. He had already met and fallen in love with Victoria. He had begun to withdraw himself from me, only speaking about missions and vampire attacks. There have been times when I was pathetic to try to impress him by wearing a dress and push up bra so my breasts could match Victoria. I felt like the little girl with the jump rope only worse because I knew better. I knew my efforts were pointless and I was reminded of it everyday that I saw her bright face smiling at me curiously each time we passed in the hall. She is always on her way to his room.

Work didn't make things any easier. Vampire attacks doubled. People began questioning the government about hiding their existence and the government comes to us looking for cover-ups. Many memories didn't get erased and many vampires didn't get staked. Despite having a base in every country everyone looked to me for solutions while I begged God to give me the solutions. As always the answer I got was silence. Cold doubting silence. I felt trapped.

I can't stand the tension anymore.

"Leave." That was all I could think of although I really wanted to say, 'I love you idiot so love me back for the love of God!'

Deep in my heart I knew he was right. It was time to throw in the towel and face failure. I had to learn to accept failure. To face it head on and not be threatened.

The vampire turned and walked into a wall just as the friendly waitress entered with a cup of tea on a silver tray.

"You're starting work early Sir Integra, here's your tea nice and hot like you like it." Her light was strong enough to warm any soul that came close. A person couldn't help but smile when she was around.

I caught my refection in the tray. The face was unfamiliar to me, it reminded me a tired old women. I could see fine wrinkles forming and her brow heavy with stress. Her hair was beginning to fade from its luminous blonde and her eyes tired yet haunting. It was me after a twenty-five year journey through Hell.

"Something wrong?" she asked.

"No." I grabbed the tea and set it on my desk. One hand was on my cheek feeling to see if the reflection was true, that my eyes had not deceived me, and it was true. The maid exited with a small wave and I saw the ring on her finger.

The cup of tea smashed against the wall across the room. Hot liquid rolled down the wall onto the carpet, glass was everywhere. Quickly I left the office and headed to the basement. I knew I didn't have much time before they would come looking for me to make sure I was okay and still able to lead them.

Just one look. It was all I needed to prove to myself that I had no place in his heart. I hurried down the stairs and the noises got louder as I got closer to the entrancement. They were making love. I resisted the urge to vomit and stopped in front of the large metal door. Victoria's moans were louder than his but not by much. For once I was thankful they were so preoccupied they didn't hear me come down the stairs.

"Breathe Integra." I thought. I turned the handle slowly and peeped inside.

The room was dark and musty I could barely make out a thing. I spotted one or two candles on a nightstand next a large wooden chair, a kind of throne. The moans grew louder and their bright red eyes allowed m to find them. Two figures moving in the darkness, panting and biting each other, their eyes never leaving each other. I felt a great ache in my chest. That one look was all I needed.

Part of me wanted to lash out at them like a dramatic teenager. Another part wanted to shrink into nothing. A small but influential part wants to kill them on the spot.

I lay awake in bed for a long time that night thinking of what I should do next. Should I continue to live this way in pain? Should to win him back? Should I end it all?

All my life I craved to make my own choices, live through my own consequences and adventures not the ones made by others or set up for me. I longed to be out in the world alone but complete, living a simple average life where it was okay to make mistakes and be incompetent. Where I was responsible for no one's life but my own! I instantly fell in love with freedom. After all, it was so irresistible to me, my soul felt rejuvenated at the prospect of a new life. I realized what had to be done.

0000000000000000000

_**To Whom It May Concern:**_

_**I can no longer be your commander. Life is about choices and I chose freedom. I know my father never believed that and he wouldn't be pleased but he has never tasted freedom like I have. I know the risks of leaving the security of the mansion and I **__**gladly choose**__** them over the cage I lived in! I know my actions have put a great burden on the organization and I'm okay with that. By the time you read this I will be far from here; don't waste your time searching for me because won't find me I assure you.**_

_**To those who care about me: Don't worry I'm happy where I am now.**_

_**Also, I would like to thank Alucard for giving me the strength to be true to myself.**_

_**Integra **_

000000000000000000000


End file.
